Wednesday, June 30, 2010

He has His plan…

I always believe that Allah knows best. For everything that happens, happened for a reason. For every test that he sent is specifically customized not to exceed one's capability. Unquestionably!
Things had not been so good lately...

Erstwhile, I question God why. Then, I stop wondering, and I start believing that He must have arranged an unexplainable perfect surprise that no one can ever think of – at least this keeps me at solace.

First, I failed my digestive surgery pre-test by 1 question. This results me to repeat one week of practical later before I registered myself for the graduation. And then, again I failed my urology surgery pre-test, again by one question to reach the passing mark of 80%. And yeah, another one week to repeat. Shit happens. Ye la... klau dah takde rezeki nak buat mcm mane? *sigh* Dah memang padan muke pun kot!

All I pray for is that I will manage to keep my sail smooth and graduate on time. I cannot afford to make any more mistakes in the future, be it just one freaking fault, or I'll have a very thin chance to graduate on time or in other word, extend my study.

It was indeed my first time in 5 years of medical school to face a what it's famously named 'failed' or 'failure'. The thought of keeping my record clean has been perfectly shattered. The bitterness is devastating, especially when you're just a point splits from the passing line, and that each question cost me an extra one week to be stranded. Since the test was a 'true/false' questions, it kept bothering my mind with "I could have had instead..." and "if only i...".
Nonetheless, being typically me-whose-always-right, I indirectly blame the system for giving an evaluation on my PRE-test result in which I haven't been handed any experience on, and thus failed me. It is rather a ridiculous and unfair trade I have to eventually succumb. Optimistically, I take this as a lesson, God has put it this way so that I would study harder and become smarter, this is in fact a benefit and hence defying me to be more heedful in the future. Not even a single mistake, no more!

Counting my blessings to know that what Allah has put me into (this failure and two extra weeks to repeat) is after all just a mild test for me to ail on and to shed tears for, as for other people out there might have been suffering a lot more than just failure.

Naqib told me that he is having an exam in two weeks time. The word 'exam' itself started to frighten me already. Being paranoid upon failing, before I could even reminded him to study hard and tawakal, I asked him 'what happened if he fails?'.

I didn't mean to expect any failure from him, I utterly believe my brother is very brilliant and ambitious and I know he will pass with flying colors, but I was just wondering if there is such rule in his school system about repeating the exam with an extra week to extend. He then told me that each paper cost £75, that if there is a need to repeat the exam.

"Whatttt tha fish??!"

I terus terdiam and terbeliak mata! If that is how much it cost, I rather stay an extra week in Indonesia than to cost my parents such amount! Seventy-five POUND STERLING is even crueler than one WEEK to extend! I suddenly feel ashamed of myself to whine upon my 'small' failure to my parents the other day. God has actually set my little brother to face even a bigger challenge than me!

Now I know why I was made to become a doctor but not an aircraft pilot, or I would loss more hair on my head. He needs to study extra-extra very smartly hard to excel. And that makes me pray an extra doa for him everytime. We can't afford to fail our parents anymore!

And then, there came more thwarting news for my housemate, Kim. The dispute of having a mother who's battling a cancer is never the same as failing an exam in school. It cost a lot more than £75 to cover and of a week to suffer. Concerning her mother's condition, she decided to take a leave from school and go back home to be there by her mother's side. It defies no explanation on how hard it was for her to decide between her responsibilities when she finally chose to lose a few months of her study for her loved-most mom.

Her mother who used to have a second stage breast cancer over a year ago had successfully undergone a mastectomy and series of chemotherapies, but little did anyone knows that the cancerous cells had metastases to her lung and diminish her health wholly. Now that the doctor has prognoses her with very thin chance of survival, and that what makes Kim finally decided to leave.

There is nothing much I can do to help her to get through this, but to continuously pray for the best for her and her whole family…
Then again, another upsetting news came. I was chatting with Wani the other day, and she told me about her friend's sister who just got involved in a motor accident. Though it doesn't directly involve me neither do I know this person personally, but I could just feel the sore when reading the blog. Likewise, this accident victim and I are both on the same journey through our 'Dokter Muda' years, except that she's studying in Medan, while I'm here in you-know-where. To be individually involved in as the subject of an upheaval event is even more tragic I reckon. Not just that she would have to extend her study and pay a heap amount for her treatment, but she must have lived with the trauma and everything that's affecting her mentally and physically.
This month, despite of the much devastation is indeed an eye-opening incident. Notwithstanding the continuous failures I've been through, I always have my parents especially to grab hold of my sanity and make me to open my eyes not only to see but to observe everything around me, the good, the bad and everything in between. Put my prospect the other way round, instead of always seeing the glass half-full, I learn how is it like to see it half-empty too.
Among the many motivations and encouragement I got from friends, one even told me to

"slow down, look out, other people have bigger problem than yours",

You see, sometimes words of encouragement is too much forceful. I think I am now need a more slow-and-steady kinda support. And Angah said

"it's not the end of the world yet".

Then mama and papa said

"Okay, dah, pegi tidur!"

Hah, betul jugak! Saya memang suka tidur. That is indeed the most comforting words I've ever got! Nanti kalau saya ada anak yang fail ujian, saya akan suruh dia pergi tidur, sebab tidur itu adalah ubat segala penyakit yang diakibatkan oleh peristiwa-peristiwa yang menyakitkan. OkiE dOkiE~

Last but not least, to those who are having difficulties in life…

"If, in spite of intense supplication, there is a delay in the timing of the Gift [al-'ata], let that not be the cause for your despairing. For He has guaranteed you a response in what He chooses for you, not in what you choose for yourself, and at the time He desires, not the time you desire." - The Hikam, Ibn 'Ata'illah, Chapter 1, 6.

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn".

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Psychiatry comes to an end

This is yet one of the best posting I've ever had!

Rephrase, 'this is yet one of the funniest posting I've ever had – despite of a few despises'. First of all, it is what we called 'small lab', which psychiatry posting is not included in the four major departments. Everybody enjoys minor postings in the small labs/departments, less hassle, less anxious, less patients, less on-calls, more fun!

Secondly (should be foremost-ly), there is no resident doctors in psychiatry ward! Yayyy!!! You just have to understand how is it like to work with bunch of other 'students' who bossed around just because they get a lot of pressure from the supervisors, which they are trying to share the burdens with the pity little interns like us.

Thirdly (the most unique reason), our patients are our bundle of joy! wEe~ Honestly!!! Where can you find a flock of happy 'sick people' in the hospital who live in their very most ecstatic life and could fly to cloud nine? Mesti lah patient ruang 23 (a.k.a psychiatry ward). Excuse me when I addressed them as 'flock', I mean, they are so much like cheerful birds flying over their freedom without having anything to worry of. And one of the patients really could fly! Really! She 'flew' up into our class while we were having journal discussion, and offer herself to do the presentation.

Fourthly, the on-call didn't really as stressful too. I appreciate the fact that they provide a tolerable yet the most pleasing kamko (kamar koas) that is up to satisfactory. I never had to worry about not getting a good sleep while on-calls, because there are good bed with nice mattress, daily changed of bed sheets, blankets, pillows, and even bolsters! Not forgotten, a fan, a clean telekung and a sink.

Fifthly, I couldn't be luckier that the supervisor who examined me for my final assessment, was the most lenient, nicest and everyone's-favourite!

Apart of the many reasons to like my psychiatry posting, there was too the downbeat of it. Didn't I blogged enough about 'The Royal Highness' who always keep my blood flowing rapidly and my heart pumps vigorously? Yeah, that was distressing enough… but as always, to keep myself calm and insane over her psychotic reverse-psychology test, I take it as meagerly as it was never my fault, nevertheless sparingly her hormones to blame!

Psychiatry ward is not like any other wards. Now I get it why it is known as 'hospital bahagia' back in Malaysia. It is really that cheery! The patients are in high spirits, even some can be really harmful! Their stay are like living in hostels, they are free to roam around the hospital, even out of the hospital to buy foods. There will be morning psychotherapy where they will be assembled and conducted to exercise or dancing together.

One morning about 4:15am, I woke up and making my way to the surau for subuh, where I realized one of the patient just came out from the bathroom, all drenched in singlet and kain pelekat, and said,

"Ayo ke kantor!" (lets go to the office)

"Kok pagi banget ke kantor mas?" I replied,

"Iya, biar ngak macet"

Still in his all drenched singlet and kain pelekat, he grabbed a helmet, put it on, and walk to the bench in the other corner of the garden, sit there pretending like he was driving a motorcycle. Memang lah pakcik ni tau, subuh2 dah buat orang ketawa nak terberak!

About 15 minutes after I came back from the surau, he was sitting still on the bench, still with the helmet on. Mungkin dia belum sampai office lagi, memang betul la ada traffic jam dalam perjalanan dia tu kot…

The same patient, will 'answer his phone' whenever he heard anyone's handphones ringing.

One of them likes to swim with the fish in the pond but claim himself cleaning the pond.

Some of them claimed to be close to God that whenever she prays God will directly answer, some of them are obsessed over getting into the military, some wants to have a boyfriend so badly, some wants to become a secretary so much, some believes that he has a serious bowel disorder and wanted to undergo a surgical procedure so badly, many 'see' and 'hear' things… all of them are unique in their own way, and they behave so hilariously! Serious comel, tak tipu!!!

Not to mention, one of the 'luckiest' experience was to be in that posting while Sandi was recovering. He is the world's famous smoking baby for crying out loud! He's fine now, at least he hasn't been asking to smoke for 31 days when I last asked his parents. Hopefully everything goes well with him and his family, in their new house, with new environment. Start a new life Sandi! You're only 3 for God's sake!

Okay, dah malas nak tulis lagi. Over all, I rate this posting 8 ½ out of 10. One point is taken off by the infuriating Royal Highness and another half point is for not having that much to learn since the mental scope is still quite ambiguous for me.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Life’s jest

This sounds crazy, but I just became the mayor of the psychiatry ward in the hospital of where I'm practicing. Didn't know that wards need a mayor though – Foursquare is nonsensically fun! Oh, not to miss, I am also the mayor of the fitness center where I trained, LOL now?!

Meh sini siapa ada masalah jiwa, sila bayar cukai!
Siapa nak kurus dan badan yang fit, sila bayar cukai ke mayor baru anda...

I think I had just enough laugh for today (although the 4sq @ Foursquare thingy is not 'that' so funny anyways). Well, I think I had the most obscured laugh this whole month!!! This is yet the best posting ever – psychiatry, you rock my socks! Walaupun sebenarnya tak pernah pon pakai socks pergi kerja… jap, rephrase – psychiatry, you rock my crocs! That's better.

Since I've done my psychiatry bed-side and conference exams on Tuesday, it feels like majority of the work pressure has been relinquished off me. Regarding my psychiatry exam, I thank God big time that I was examined by nicest and the most lenient supervisor from the department. Although I might have a lot of laughter and sweetest time this whole month in the department, I must say that being given such a-heaven-sent examiner is the sweetest of all! Alhamdulillah… 
I am supposed to keep my 'Psychiatry comes to an end' entry for tomorrow, but I can't retain myself from blogging about what has happened today. It might not be the funniest experience, but it is quaintly hilarious I'm sure.

So, today we didn't spend much time with the patients in the ward nor attaining the clinic because we had some presentation and discussion over some journals. The first journal was just 'too much too high' for my level, it's something about the conscious, subconscious mind, quantum conscious, metaphysics, energy, midbrain, and all the stuff that can only make me go

"err… what?" and

"whattha?" or

"I thought I signed up for medic school, isn't this engineering or paranormal activity or what??!"

Our supervisor was so engross with it, but when it comes to Q&A, all of us seemed blurry (bukan all the time pon students akan buat muke pandai-padahal-blur and tanak tanya questions ke lepas presentation??!)

After lunch, we proceed to the next journal which was about hallucination – yeah, this is what I called psychiatry! However though, my lunch needed more oxygen for assimilation and metabolism I reckon, to the extent that my brain need to give up and therefore, I got so freaking sleepy and couldn't concentrate but just chitchatting with my friend.


A patient directly entered the class. Terkejut beruk semua orang! Wah kok bisa sampe ke sini?? Terus terbeliak mata I, and dah tak jadi ngantuk! Mata semua orang pon terbeliak kot tengok budak tu tiba-tiba terceguk dekat depan kelas… nasib baik takde mata orang yang sampai tercabut keluar dari soket. Alhamdulillah…

"Lho, ngak bisa masuk ke sini"

"Aku mau presentasi" – the 16 year-old patient said.

Nak ketawa sampai terberak tak?? But as usual, we as politely hold back our hysterical laughs and just let out a little chortle.
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