Mom’s Birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA!!!

Mom just called. Wait, let me rephrase that – I called mama, and then she called me back. Everyone was there, they just came back from Mama's birthday dinner at Italiannies. Yeah, without me. So what?! *numb*

Who doesn't miss their family when they are living distance apart? – I do.

I realized that my numbness is getting worse as time goes by. I am gradually turning into an android that my heart is as cold as rock. Maybe I am confused, but not sure of what. Maybe I know, but yeah confused still – and I am not looking to detangle this perplexity. Let me be…

Ward 28

This morning around 2:40am, my patient died. She was the reason I stayed awake last night since I had to observe her on every 15 minutes. I didn't quite know her since I took over the ward only for my night shift (how was I expected to study all 36 patients' problems in the ward in one night?).

On my very last observation, her blood pressure dropped to palpatoir til it was totally null. I looked for her respiration and to my surprised that she wasn't in breathing difficulty anymore – I was relief for a nick second before I realized that her respiration rate was only one! Perhaps that was her last breathe!

To cut the story short, I was there when the specialist came to break the bad news to the husband. Then was when I confirmed that she has died. And me, I forgot how I actually felt on that time.

I continue observing other patients with a little fear that the paranoid husband would come and whack me up (since I was the only doctor who was in charge for the ward). He actually did not. However, around 6am after I woke up from my power nap, he ran up to me and thanked me, I remember exactly what he said while his cold hand shook mine. I felt sorry for him, but still I was in emotional disorientation.

*slap me someone please!*

I didn't sleep since 4:30am on Saturday til 10am today and amazingly I wasn't sleepy at all. Perhaps, I found my chi – there in the hospital. I enjoyed attending patients more than anything else and I could actually do that for more than 24 hours without a single whine nor complains, neither a yawn! Good job Bil!

There were just too many things to learn from the patients. They are more interesting than 4 years of lectures, they are perhaps the best teachers.

When I stepped into ward 28 at around 1:30pm yesterday, I prayed hard that everything would be smooth and easy for me. However, after a few steps inward, I heard a loud screechy sound. A post-dialysis old woman with a little mental distress screech of the rate of once every 30 second.

"Ya Allah, yo opo sek cobaan ne eki?!!"

(Ya Allah, how is this test/suffering?)

"Wes loro kabe!!"

(Pain all over)

And she repeated the same sentences over and over and over and over. Sometimes she even read Al-Fatihah in a loud screechy manner. And yeah, she was suppose to be beyond annoying, but I didn't feel anything. Now that I feel funny though~

Saved by their sweetness

After all, my 26 hours at the hospital was a good one. The environment of IPD department is not as bad as it sounds, be it the biggest and longest internship, I am all contented and every sweat is worth every experience and erudition. I am happy.

Supposedly, I promised Dr.Fren to go out lunch with her, however after 'checking-in' into Ward 28, the patients are just too clinch-y to let go of me. I was too busy that I even missed my Asar. However thanks a lot to Dr.Fren who successfully sneaked me out of the ward. She actually called into my ward from the PPDS room's phone and paging for 'koas IPD Ruang 28' (medical's intern) a.k.a ME. Then I had a reason to leave… I went into the PPDS room and found her on the table with a box of KFC!!! She actually called KFC for delivery service! Awww, so sweet doc, I am so flattered~

For my lunch, I was delivered a home-cooked nasi goreng by my housemate! When I was writing down bundles of discharge summary, Sit and Kim came to my ward handed my pink Tupperware filled with warm nasi goreng. Awww, you girls always rock my world! I sangat flattered~

THANK YOU EVERYONE!!! Especially to all the patients who have provided me with wider scope of experiences and knowledge, and to all the helpful and caring nurses, supervisors, friends and housemates!

Love

Happy Eid Adha

Happy Eid Al-Adha

Good morning sunny sunshine!~ - at last I was greeted by the glaring ray of sun when I open my eyes.

"Ouh, it's only 6:56am, not even 7 yet. Tidur balik! Tidur balik!"

Just before I could get back into my REM sleep, the phone rang. Zhaf called! How I miss to get his calls when I got up… he just got back from the masjid and about to get back there for the slaughtering process a.k.a korban. Aww… he likes to do the korban ever since I knew him! Ganas + berhati mulianya la bf I ni…

I am happy today. Just because it's a holiday. I love waking up in the morning having nothing to do. For the first time in this week, I got to make up my bed and sweep the floor. Ah, lega~

I'm full now, after gobbling lotsa muttons-on-skew a.k.a sate kambing! yummy! I wish the dinner this evening can last for the whole day tomorrow throughout my 'jaga'. Well, yeah I got jaga a.k.a on-call a.k.a night shift tomorrow, yeah Saturday. Means I'll be in from 5:30am and out at around 7:00am the next morning. That's more than 24 hours of duty!!!

My first jaga shift

Last Wednesday night was my first jaga shift. I am proud to say that it was so good, much better than expected. Maybe I was just lucky that night. Alhamdulillah… amongst the nights of my Ko-as (Dokter Muda) life, that was the night where I slept at the earliest hour. At almost 5 pm I checked-in into ward 27 where 36 out of 40 beds were occupied. Two of which were to be observed.

To cut out the craps, I did get enough sleep. My first On-call was an ease, at least not as bad as been described by the seniors. However I am still anticipating myself physically and mentally for the worse that could ever happen.

Tomorrow is my next jaga. Will be a 19-hour shift, plus the normal Saturday working hour 5:30 am til 12 pm, total is approximately 26 hours.

SEMANGAT!!!!

Dr. Housewife

This morning I woke up with a little bizarre thought in mind. In the shuddering time of almost 5a.m, I got myself in the coldest morning I've ever been into since I can't remember. I stepped into the shower, and my whole body starts to shiver. First thing that came across my mind was… 'I'd rather become a housewife!!!!'.

Astaghfirullahalazim!

Where exactly did I get the idea of becoming a housewife for life?!

Just because housewives don't have 'the office hour' that need them to wake up very early in the morning and got into the shower. Just because housewives won't get fired. Housewives don't have groundward rounds, they don't have to go for patients' follow up, no morning reports, neither do they need to be on-calls. That was when I wished I won't have to continue torturing myself to wake up from my sweet slumber very early in the morning thus whacked up in the icy bath.

Just in time after having the bizarre thought, it suddenly came crossing my mind on how mama does this every morning for the past few decades of her life? Despite of the hot shower back at home, the 'waking up in the dawn' is the worst of all. Thinking of the hardships and determination of my parents in bringing us a living, an abrupt strength empowered me to go on!

Honestly, I was quite excited yesterday about starting my first day of Dokter Muda today. I have graduated my medical degree, I have gone through Panum, I have passed the OSCE, and the next two years of Dokter Muda is just another step closer to my dream.

Come on Bil! Semangat!!! Don't let the freezing morning shower washed your dream off!

p.s : First day in medical department went well. I am going to make myself love to enjoy this for living! Amin!

p.s.s : I think I'm suffering from the morning sickness! lol! related entry : Life Description

The WOW! factor

'Tebar pesona' – word of the day. I lyoke~

As usual, I had my girls' night out over a coffee session after the acupuncture therapy. And as usual, we had girls talk. Not exactly gossiping, but more to sharing. Perhaps, that was my last coffee session before starting Co-ass (a.k.a Dokter Muda) this Monday.

We went to 'The Ego' this evening for a heavy supper. The cheeseburger was okay, the patty was good enough though it is not as good as those in Tony Roma's or Planet Hollywood's, but I did enjoy it in some way. Wait, the best cheeseburger is still those in Chilli's. It was the opening day of the café, so it was quite teeming. The ambiance is all right, despite of the good band, the sound system was too loud.

Okay, back to the 'Word of the day', by some means it did comfort me. Bahasa Indonesia has several words/adjectives that come with respectable meaning. I just couldn't find a perfect word to describe that particular matter, then was when my Indonesian friend came out with the word 'tebar persona'. It suits what I mean just well! Exactly! Perfecto!

So, what does it mean?

Notice : I am trying not to point this subject to a certain someone, nobody should be concern about, examples are not related to any particular person. (however for example I am going to point this to the males, since I view this from a girl's perception).

Looking at the implication of the word, for me it describes a person who is full of wows. I mean, WOW!

Have you ever met someone whom you think has the 'everything'? The charm, the talent, the caliber, the quality, the ability, the look, well, in short, the-wow-factor?! That everything he does is so Wow-fully and jaw dropping.

Everywhere he goes, you notice your own imaginary red carpet below his shiny shoes, and the spotlights trail on him. You see his simple shirt as shining armor, you imagine him on an ashen white horse. Your head turns 360 degree when he makes a circle around you, you stop breathing while your heart pumps vigorously and your melting point drop below the optimal number when he spurts his sweltering smile towards you (although he is not smiling directly at you). You are turning yourself into a paparazzi in your own made-up fantasy world of rainbows, sparkles and glittery heart-shaped confetti.

Until the point that his incredibility is just too exhausting for you to handle, sometimes you wish that these kind of person never exist – simply because you barely could not handle the wows anymore… That the further you get to know him, you feel so exhausted, so tired of being mesmerized. And the closer you get to him, you feel the heat is getting warmer that you might just got all burned up.

Nevertheless, you merely get enough of the burning sensation, you simply loved to be sunk into your own temptation of his irresistibility.

Then you get the grasp and start to realize that you are not the only one who feels the same way. Perhaps, everyone around him could easily be spellbound by his charm. Everyone is enthralled just by looking at him, the girls got awestruck by his stare, his speech rapped the crowd, his smile fascinates the people, and his ideas gripped the medias.

He might not mean to be alluring, but it's just you (and the others) who got over groovy over him. Everywhere he goes, he spreads his charm and he is all sprayed up with love potions. You sniff, you got into his spell. Next, you'll be around in your own world mengelamun yang ga jelas. Everywhere he goes, he tebar pesona…

His 'perfection' albeit a nightmare for all the boyfriends out there and his girlfriend just can't seat still – oh isn't he is yet dangerous? Is this supposed to be a glory or jinx? Is this even his fault??!!

Consequently, you should be aware of your condition and the danger you put yourself into. Knowing that nobody is perfect, anyone whom for you is perfect may come with the perfect flaws too. Be moderate. You yourself is perfect in your own way, shall you need anyone to complete you?

Hari ini hujan

Dengan rasminya, saya Bil Hanson ingin mengumumkan bahawa musim hujan di Malang sudah tiba!

Welcome! Welcome!

Saya menyambut hari hujan dengan membiarkan diri dihujani. Nikmatnya mandi air hujan! I love~

Tapi kesian Kim, rumahnya pula dibanjiri air hujan sampai tinggi betis. Penat juga menolong dia menyodok air keluar, tapi saya tetap happy! Kerana dapat juga exercise sambil beramal di petang Jumaat yang mulia.

Tapi tadi, ada seorang makcik sial ni suka lalu lalang depan rumah Kim, sambil senyum2. Mungkin dia kagum, atau mungkin dia jakun tak pernah tengok rumah orang masuk air. Sempat juga saya tengok muka dia, dengan wajah sinis yang ala-ala Mean Girl, sambil berkata

"why are you smiling? what are you looking at? you a$$ hole?!".

Dengan yakin, saya tahu mak cik tu tak faham. Walaupun dia faham, dia wajar mendapatkan kata-kata dasyat yang buat julung-julung kalinya dapat saya ungkapkan. Congratulations mak cik!

Points of trivial

Point #1

Well, I had roti parata for dinner. Okay, habitually I don't call it roti parata, I often use the name 'roti canai'. But, who cares? Even if the original Indian has to sue me for mistaking (or not knowing how to distinguish) between roti canai and roti parata, IDC! (which stands for I Don't Care). I fried one piece and eat it with sugar. Siapa makan roti canai dengan gula??

ME *sambil angkat tangan*

Point #2

This evening, I went for groceries shopping at Hypermart with my housemates (plus Kak Nad). I looked at the receipt it says "Total : 447 430", then with some bigger font is written "Anda Hemat 15 255". Whatta?

Point #3

Last evening, I wore stripes to the acupuncture. I learned (from Kemahiran Hidup class in form 3) that horizontal stripes make your appearance weightier than usual. I succumbed. I am fat, even if I don't have a strand of thread on me, I am still weightier. Then we had coffee at the Java Dancer. Well, for that moment, aside from my love for coffee, IDC Malang doesn't have a Starbucks. Simply because I enjoyed the Irish Crème Frap! Just like how I love those in Swenson's.

Point #4

My teatime this evening was not about tea, but Strawberry frizz. You know why? Because last night at Java Dancer, I was kinda drooled over Kak Nad's strawberry juice, but I was too full to ordered one. Finally, I had one this evening at Bali Café.

Point #5

For the 8^th time this week, I had cekodok pisang. I love bananas and everything about it! Even for the 80^th time of cekodok pisang in a week, I would still going to enjoy every bite.

Point #6

Shall I be one who prescribes drugs? I am bad with pharmacology. Blame me for over dosage! For OSCE yesterday, I put 900mg of erythromycin and 900mg of paracetamol into pulvers for a 5 year old boy. So today, I had to go to the pharmacology lab and re-write that prescription, with 300mg of both subsequently.

Point #7

I have 3 days left to enjoy life. And for the following two years, I will only be seeing around Rumah Sakit Dr. Saiful Anwar, Malang. I will only be seeing around in white coats and grumpy face. I bet my bed is going to miss me badly. Sorry bed…

Point #8

I miss my family.

Point #9

The side ad on my FB says "Mau Punya Payudara Gede?". I must say that "Sorry, wrong target!". OMG, I can't imagine how ridiculous I'd look like with bigger than gigantic breasts than what I am carrying now.

Point #10

Closet make over – white coats. Upgrading status, downgrading style.

Point #11

Can I become a doctor who doesn't have to work in the hospital/clinic all the time, who is free to dress up and walk in heels? I want to be a doctor who travels around the world. I don't mind of not getting paid, as long as I get to do things I love.

Point #12

FYI, I am not ignoring you, but I am ignoring my feelings towards you.

Iota #19 - My guilt

Something happened today after the OSCE. I am not going to elaborate much on that.

My conclusion is, she doesn't really belong to this century where youngsters do not have the mannered of perfect courteous towards the elderly (like how she expected us to be, anymore).

Above it all, I admit that I am wrong, if she'd like to say that I was. I felt guilty, and yes, I did ooze some tears that was pooling around my eyes however failed to roll down my cheek. Happy now??

On my doorstep this morning

I refused to wake up this morning. I am supposed to be on daybreak for the OSCE tomorrow, hitherto not finishing a single module. Super-malas!

As I on my laptop while having my high-carb breakfast of one fat piece of chocolate cake and strawberry milk, I stumbled upon my old blog entrée – What Indonesia means to me (Part I). I wonder when the Part II will put my fingers dancing through it.

One of my favorite lines in that post which I am still strongly agree is "Where I wake up every morning and have pressures delivered right on my doorstep."

This explains why I didn't want to wake up. Well, I have an extended list of what-to-dos for today besides studying for OSCE. First, I ought to go to the immigration office to extend my length of stay under my 'Sosbud' visa until I managed to get my KITTAS. It's a long story… it's a long procedure and it's a bad headache, and not to mention a bad expense too.

Another important thing is to get my contact lenses done. At least I have to go to the optician and check my eyes. My vision is getting a little bit worse. Also to get a new pair of shoes for the Annual Grand Dinner, in which I think is necessary because all the heels I have on the rack had at least been worn twice.

There will be a PKPMI (Malaysian student society) meeting this evening, wherein I as one of the High Committee has never been to any of the board meeting before. Not my fault though, I was just never got invited. Being the chairperson of the society is one of the functionless posts I have ever been onto. I've been on the board of the PKPMI ever since I first came, and being the chairperson is just the funniest thing I've done. Therefore, I ought to get to the meeting this evening and see what is there for me to help in this coming AGM (this Sunday).

Oh wait, now I remember! I haven't done auditing the account for our UMNO yet! It's been a week since that Sports carnival! DAMN!

Anyway, kak Nad is coming over this evening. We shall study for OSCE together!

Going off to the immigration now, toodles~

Let this week ends!

Last Saturday where it all started… The UMNO committee wrapped up our mat and roll down our sleeves. For me, the dinner that evening was almost nothing except for my fashion show which I rather say was a 'relief'. The sports carnival and the weeks of planning were enough to rush out my adrenaline, that left me numb on the evening itself.

Then, I had a great night that stretched down til dawn. Actually, I am not sure still of a perfect word to describe it, but I'll still stick to the word 'great' as there is nothing to regret.

It was a vast of a new experience – the experience in which I am still extracting its benefits. For whatever I did or whatever I attempted to do, I try not to regret but to learn from it instead. The experience has made me stumble upon discovering what is there beneath my heart desire. I learn that there is always something more than everything. But to hound on and insisting of having everything is nothing really compared to keeping something. I cannot just rush about everything I wished for, but for that something I have, I must treasure. For that someone, I know you have to keep your something too…

Despite of the perplexity suspicion, I am more than pleased to welcome you to join my so-called journey. I treasure every moment, every conversation and every thought we share. You are my merriment, intelligent and not to mention, drop dead gorgeous. Your arms are warm, your eyes, so vampire-ish, I have to be immortal to be stared, or I'd melt to death. But you know, human and vampire are just not meant for each other… *sigh*

I am ending this week with a sudden weekend gateway with my girlfriends. Off from Malang with Kak Nuzul, Kak Shida and Elena to meet another bunch of girls over there to chill with under the scorching hot weather of Surabaya. I swear, Surabaya is burning me up! It has made me come to counting my blessings to be 'dunked' in Malang where fans are enough to blow the heat away and have chill season sometimes. For this weekend, Surabaya is all-that-fun! At least, I got few pairs of new shoes, shirts and most importantly 2 shots of Starbucks.

Let this week ends. Make a rocket, disclosed the entire fret, launch it up into the outer space and let the aliens know.

Elena, Shida, Arina, Nuzul, Bil
Sutos, 13th Nov 09.

Iota #18 – random

(This post is meant to be not colorful as usual)

The laundress (but he's a man) just came to sent my laundry. Oh he actually has a girlfriend. Well, I reckon that was his girlfriend with him. Wah wah mas, bawa pacar ke merata buat temen ngantar londre ya? (ish, now I sound like makcik Joyah kecoh suka jaga tepi kain orang!)

Talking about laundry, I don't think I ever washed my own clothes while here in Indonesia (except for those personal garments of course). However last Sunday I did washed my saree, I was definitely out of my mind! But I was mesmerized to see how the saree got hung so long on the clothesline, somehow I was proud of myself to be able to hand wash that lengthy dress.

When it dried, I then took it off the line and started to iron it. Out of the 5 meters, I think I managed to ironed up to 70cm long!

Dah spray2, gosok2, pastu malas… and the saree was left there on the ironing board for 4 days, before I finally wrapped it up, and send it to the laundry to take care of it! Now that the laundry has to dry clean it and iron it! Hahaha! Serupa mcm tak payah basuh sendiri at the first place. Bazir air and detergen je! Tapi takpe… at least I tried!

Alrite now, it's been quite a few paragraphs of merepeks, while I actually have to help deliver a baby tomorrow, so I think I gotta start study for tomorrow's exam. Well, I think!

The Horse Eye Mask

Early this week, I had an eye-opening conversation with a friend who has gone through a love fiasco. I was never consent of what people has to say about exploring feelings, and experiencing the different sides of love. All I know, I am happy with him and everything about him. What I don't know, is something I would never know if I don't open up myself to explore what is there besides that everything.

She told me that it is not wrong to go for a 'test drive', but never to break the car. Just to get the different feelings of each car on which suits us best. We are often overlooked at this matter as we only thought that 'cars are for travelling purpose'. Cars can be more, it can be your home, your something to run with, your own comfort zone and your pride. Although all cars are drive-able to reach destination, but the experience and comfort are big parts of concern too, you wouldn't want to reach there with back pains and crampy legs right? Therefore it is important to get the 'best feeling' before purchasing – with warning 'not to break anything'. (note that 'cars' are just a metaphor)

I trust my heart ever since it was struck by the cupid's arrow. Nevertheless, little did I realize that cupids are plain blind flying naked babies in Roman mythology. Therefore, love is blind. Once in love, one intends to wear the horse eye mask. Only eye for what is in front of him/her and go straight to where love takes them. Love is in control.

For instance, if you are too in love with someone, you anticipate your boyfriend/girlfriend more than anything else in this world. You lost the sense of taste, you let them pick their flavor, and you're enjoying your new lifestyle being attached not because of you yourself is liking it, but your partner does. You are taking pleasure by pleasing others without identifying your own need. In the end of the day, you're the mule covered with the horse eye mask, being ridden by the weight of the person on your back, take them to their destination, while they are enjoying the scenery by the roadside, your eyes are stuck on concentrating the road.

As blind as love can be, heart is always there to help us see. I learn to have a heart-to-mind conversation within myself. I will never know how orange sherbet tastes like if I keep on ordering strawberry sherbet. Although I am comfortable with strawberry sherbet and it suits my taste, orange sherbet in the other hand might give me a different feeling, feeling of which I never thought I would enjoy.

So, why not try?

Just to explore a different side of myself is nothing to waste. If I do not like it, then I can always go back to my strawberry sherbet. At least, I've tried, and I know. I don't want to be hating something which I never know what it is, I don't want to be curious of how the other things feel like if I don't have the guts to try and I don't want to just stick to something I am comfortable with without giving chance to test my courage. Even if I don't delve into my so-called unrevealed feelings, at least I have to learn to accept things…

In spite of everything, nobody is perfect. We are made to fulfill in each others' missing halves. For that reason, don't waste too much time exploring. For those who are still having an empty cart, I have to tell you that surveying without purchasing is still nothing… just take off that horse eye mask, and start hunting!