Wednesday, June 30, 2010

He has His plan…

I always believe that Allah knows best. For everything that happens, happened for a reason. For every test that he sent is specifically customized not to exceed one's capability. Unquestionably!
 
Things had not been so good lately...

Erstwhile, I question God why. Then, I stop wondering, and I start believing that He must have arranged an unexplainable perfect surprise that no one can ever think of – at least this keeps me at solace.

First, I failed my digestive surgery pre-test by 1 question. This results me to repeat one week of practical later before I registered myself for the graduation. And then, again I failed my urology surgery pre-test, again by one question to reach the passing mark of 80%. And yeah, another one week to repeat. Shit happens. Ye la... klau dah takde rezeki nak buat mcm mane? *sigh* Dah memang padan muke pun kot!

All I pray for is that I will manage to keep my sail smooth and graduate on time. I cannot afford to make any more mistakes in the future, be it just one freaking fault, or I'll have a very thin chance to graduate on time or in other word, extend my study.

It was indeed my first time in 5 years of medical school to face a what it's famously named 'failed' or 'failure'. The thought of keeping my record clean has been perfectly shattered. The bitterness is devastating, especially when you're just a point splits from the passing line, and that each question cost me an extra one week to be stranded. Since the test was a 'true/false' questions, it kept bothering my mind with "I could have had instead..." and "if only i...".
 
Nonetheless, being typically me-whose-always-right, I indirectly blame the system for giving an evaluation on my PRE-test result in which I haven't been handed any experience on, and thus failed me. It is rather a ridiculous and unfair trade I have to eventually succumb. Optimistically, I take this as a lesson, God has put it this way so that I would study harder and become smarter, this is in fact a benefit and hence defying me to be more heedful in the future. Not even a single mistake, no more!

Counting my blessings to know that what Allah has put me into (this failure and two extra weeks to repeat) is after all just a mild test for me to ail on and to shed tears for, as for other people out there might have been suffering a lot more than just failure.

Naqib told me that he is having an exam in two weeks time. The word 'exam' itself started to frighten me already. Being paranoid upon failing, before I could even reminded him to study hard and tawakal, I asked him 'what happened if he fails?'.

I didn't mean to expect any failure from him, I utterly believe my brother is very brilliant and ambitious and I know he will pass with flying colors, but I was just wondering if there is such rule in his school system about repeating the exam with an extra week to extend. He then told me that each paper cost £75, that if there is a need to repeat the exam.

"Whatttt tha fish??!"

I terus terdiam and terbeliak mata! If that is how much it cost, I rather stay an extra week in Indonesia than to cost my parents such amount! Seventy-five POUND STERLING is even crueler than one WEEK to extend! I suddenly feel ashamed of myself to whine upon my 'small' failure to my parents the other day. God has actually set my little brother to face even a bigger challenge than me!

Now I know why I was made to become a doctor but not an aircraft pilot, or I would loss more hair on my head. He needs to study extra-extra very smartly hard to excel. And that makes me pray an extra doa for him everytime. We can't afford to fail our parents anymore!

And then, there came more thwarting news for my housemate, Kim. The dispute of having a mother who's battling a cancer is never the same as failing an exam in school. It cost a lot more than £75 to cover and of a week to suffer. Concerning her mother's condition, she decided to take a leave from school and go back home to be there by her mother's side. It defies no explanation on how hard it was for her to decide between her responsibilities when she finally chose to lose a few months of her study for her loved-most mom.

Her mother who used to have a second stage breast cancer over a year ago had successfully undergone a mastectomy and series of chemotherapies, but little did anyone knows that the cancerous cells had metastases to her lung and diminish her health wholly. Now that the doctor has prognoses her with very thin chance of survival, and that what makes Kim finally decided to leave.

There is nothing much I can do to help her to get through this, but to continuously pray for the best for her and her whole family…
 
Then again, another upsetting news came. I was chatting with Wani the other day, and she told me about her friend's sister who just got involved in a motor accident. Though it doesn't directly involve me neither do I know this person personally, but I could just feel the sore when reading the blog. Likewise, this accident victim and I are both on the same journey through our 'Dokter Muda' years, except that she's studying in Medan, while I'm here in you-know-where. To be individually involved in as the subject of an upheaval event is even more tragic I reckon. Not just that she would have to extend her study and pay a heap amount for her treatment, but she must have lived with the trauma and everything that's affecting her mentally and physically.
 
This month, despite of the much devastation is indeed an eye-opening incident. Notwithstanding the continuous failures I've been through, I always have my parents especially to grab hold of my sanity and make me to open my eyes not only to see but to observe everything around me, the good, the bad and everything in between. Put my prospect the other way round, instead of always seeing the glass half-full, I learn how is it like to see it half-empty too.
 
Among the many motivations and encouragement I got from friends, one even told me to

"slow down, look out, other people have bigger problem than yours",

You see, sometimes words of encouragement is too much forceful. I think I am now need a more slow-and-steady kinda support. And Angah said

"it's not the end of the world yet".

Then mama and papa said

"Okay, dah, pegi tidur!"

Hah, betul jugak! Saya memang suka tidur. That is indeed the most comforting words I've ever got! Nanti kalau saya ada anak yang fail ujian, saya akan suruh dia pergi tidur, sebab tidur itu adalah ubat segala penyakit yang diakibatkan oleh peristiwa-peristiwa yang menyakitkan. OkiE dOkiE~

Last but not least, to those who are having difficulties in life…

"If, in spite of intense supplication, there is a delay in the timing of the Gift [al-'ata], let that not be the cause for your despairing. For He has guaranteed you a response in what He chooses for you, not in what you choose for yourself, and at the time He desires, not the time you desire." - The Hikam, Ibn 'Ata'illah, Chapter 1, 6.

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn".

4 comments:

kenwooi said...

yeah angah is right.. =)

Nukilan Orang Buta Hati said...

failure always teach us the way of life.

hilman.teddy said...

jemput telan kurma yusof tayub. ada byk lebih. =D

Anonymous said...

the great people always fail first. then succeed. then they have a great story to tell. tough it out!

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