Kisah perasaan saya dikembangkan

Hari ini saya ditugaskan untuk menjaga ruang CVCU. Apa itu CVCU? Ialah kependekan untuk Cardiovascular Care Unit, atau nama glamour dekat Malaysia orang panggil CCU. Jadi di situ lah tempat segalanya bermula. Segalanya apa??

Oleh kerana tidak ramai patient yang harus diobservasi dan tambahan pula saya sudah selesai meng-follow-up kesemua 5 orang penderita penyakit jantung yang berada dalam keadaan kritikal-tetapi-stabil, maka saya duduk di kaunter dan berniat untuk belajar. Tetapi di situ ada dua orang doktor bertugas yang agak sibuk dan minta dibantu. Jadi saya pun menghulurkan khidmat saya untuk menampal hasil-hasil ECG ke dalam fail status para penderita. Sambil membuat kerja, kami berborak-borak. Maklumlah, sebagai rakyat asing di negara ini, banyak persoalan yang mau mereka tanyakan. Bak kata cikgu bahasa inggeris sewaktu di sekolah 'curiosity' tau? Curiosity (saya lupa apa perkataannya dalam BM).

Bermula dengan perawat-perawat diruangan, bermacam-macam soalan yang mereka tanyakan tentang tanahair saya. Saya pula sangat bangga menceritakan kepada mereka. Tiba suatu saat, salah seorang doktor bertanya

"kamu memang asli Malaysia? Bangsa Melayu?"

Dalam hati saya mula terfikir, adakah dia ingat saya berasal dari Papua?? Ada rupa ke?

Saya pun menjawab "Iya dok"

Dia bertanya lagi "orang tua mu keduanya juga Melayu?"

Dah agak dah, mesti dia buat perangai ingat I ni mix, ceh! Tapi dia ingat I mix dengan apa? Itu rahsia! Jadi kita teruskan cerita tadi, doktor itu bertanya lagi

"kamu Malaysianya yang di bagian mana"

"Selangor"

"Selangor itu yang dekat dgn Kalimantan atau yang bukan"

"Dekat dgn KL"

Biasalah, kalau cakap KL baru mereka tau. Selangor memang tak famous ke?? Kesian…

Dipendekkan lagi cerita, doktor itu terus bertanya

"Di Malaysia kamu ada ikut foto-foto ta?"

"foto-foto???" sangatlah blur dengan pertanyaan kali ini…

"Maksudku, modeling"

OMG!!! Kau tengok muka aku ni ada macam model ke??! (Walaupun sebenarnya dah start kembang)

"Oh ngak dok, ngak pernah. Malah ngak bisa. Aku kan gemuk!" jawapan yang penuh merendah diri.

"Gemuk dimananya? Maksudku itu, kamu kan tinggi, bagus, masa ngak bisa jadi model?"

OMG x 2!!! Kembangnya, malunya, mana nak sorok taik lalat dekat muka ni?? Tapi, dia tak nampak ke spare tyre saya yang menumpuk ni?! Atau mungkin dia hanya sekadar memerli? Tapi saya tetap perasan kalau maksud dia tu saya 'bagus'. 'Bagus' itu maksudnya cantik ke?

Kenapa sebelum ini tak pernah ada orang yang kata saya 'bagus'? Mungkin, sebab hari ini buat julung-julung kalinya saya memakai eyeliner. Kenapa saya pakai eyeliner hari ini?

Saya pakai eyeliner hari ini sebab… apabila saya bangun tidur pagi tadi, mata saya seperti menyepet (sepet) beberapa millimeter. Saya kelihatan seperti seorang sumo Jepun yang tembam dan bermata sepet. Kenapa tiba-tiba jadi macam ni? Mungkin sebab saya kelebihan tidur.

Malam kelmarin, saya tidur jam 10 kerana saya merasa tidak enak badan. Mama dan papa menelifon saya malam itu, lalu sebagai seorang emak, mama perasan suara saya berubah seperti orang yang sedang selsema. Sebenarnya saya tak perasan pun saya selsema. Mama suruh saya makan ubat dan makan vitamin. Jadi, saya pun mengambil sebiji Chlorpheniramine Maleat (atau nama glamour CTM) dan menelannya dengan bantuan beberapa teguk air minuman Aqua. Sejurus setelah itu, saya tidur dan tidak terjaga sama sekali sampai jam 6:15 pagi.

What 6:15am??! terkejut beruk juga tadi sebab itu sudah agak lambat untuk saya. Kenapa saya tak dengar bunyi alarm? Nasib baik saya dengar bunyi sms. Saya sangat happy, sebab boyfriend saya sms pagi-pagi. Adakah kalau dia tak sms, saya akan terlajak tidur?

Walaubagaimanapun, sambung cerita tadi, mata saya menjadi sepet sebab saya terlebih tidur. Atau mungkin saya alergi obat CTM??? Tidak!! Ini bukan Steven-Johnson Syndrome! Saya tidak alergi obat, lebih-lebih lagi CTM. Sudah banyak kali saya mengkonsumsinya. Eh, over la plak.

Dipendekkan lagi cerita, setelah selesai jam kerja, saya pun pulang ke rumah dengan niat untuk bercermin. Betul ke I ni boleh jadi model? Kalau tengok badan, memang out lah kan sebab banyak lemak, kalau tinggi, InsyaAllah boleh pakai, kalau cantik? Masih belum dapat dipastikan. Jadi, sejurus setelah sampai ke rumah, saya pun berniat untuk bercermin. Tetapi sebelum sampai ke cermin, saya telah meng-on laptop dan duduk menghadapnya sehingga lupa untuk menukar pakaian, malah saya juga lupa untuk melihat wajah saya yang (fill in the blanks). Maklumlah, saya terus chatting dgn bf saya…

Semasa sedang menghadap laptop, saya pun teringat untuk bercermin, tetapi cermin saya terletak di belakang meja belajar. Jadi, dengan menggunakan teknologi canggih yang terdapat dilaptop ini, saya pun on la webcam (sebab dekat webcam boleh mencermin diri). Seperti yang semuanya sedia maklum, kadang-kadang saya menjadi narcissi apabila berada di depan webcam sehingga tercapturelah beberapa foto yang dikatagorikan sebagai 'gambar-gambar tak boleh blah~'.

Bila dah puas tengok muka serious, mula lah boring dengan muka sendiri, lalu saya cuba membuat beberapa wajah yang mungkin akan jadi wajah saya kalau saya benar-benar seorang kacukan.Oh, tengok rambut saya yang sudah sebulan tidak di-saloon. Fringe saya pun dan semakin panjang dan boleh disikat ke tepi sehingga saya tidak lagi ber-bang seperti kanak-kanak istimewa kelas peralihan. Sejak mula jadi Dokter Muda, rambut saya tak pernah di spa. Kesian… tapi, kan saya guna Rejoice yang seakan-akan menggantikan perawatan minyak panas. Tapi, itu kan hanya di iklan, dimana pada hakikatnya syampu itu tidaklah sehebat mana pun… tipuuuuuu!

Sambung cerita sikit, pagi tadi saya dapat Starbucks Caramel Macchiato. Saya dibelikan 'minuman tenaga batin' itu oleh Frente yang baru sahaja pulang dari Surabaya (Ya lah, dekat Malang mana ada Starbucks, BOOO!!). Frente, saya sayang kamu!

Tahukah anda Caramel Macchiato adalah minuman yang mendapat ranking ketiga dalam senarai minuman-minuman terhebat yang pernah saya minum? Sebelumnya mestilah Caramel Java Chips Frappuccino. Tapi yang pertama, saya tetap peminat setia air mineral!

Panjangnya saya tulis! Okay, sambung next entre.

Happy day!

• Kenapa happy?

Ada cerita disebaliknya... Hehe

Bangil in 7 days (Part II)

Fifth day in Bangil – "Hari Natal yang Fatal", it was Christmas. Nah, I don't get public holiday. We started quite late in the morning, all wards seemed so calm. I went back into the office to fill in the report, few seconds after I landed myself, I was jolted by a howl of cries. Two girls came running into the office and told us that their father was still. We ran towards his bed and… yea, there was my 2^nd death declaration – no fainted family members.

The evening, was another death case due to septic shock. The patient was already on a very bad condition and was put on our high observation, however she couldn't make it through, even after a few resuscitation. There was my 3^rd death declaration – everyone was calm as we already made them to expect any form of bad news.

That evening, we went to town and had sate kambing! I'm not that much of a mutton person, but the muttons were finger licking good!

Sixth day in Bangil – Back to our normal morning 'workout'. Well, not exactly a workout, but ground ward round was just too exhausting that I could excrete a liter of sweat after rounding all 40 over patients in 8 wards. Cape deh~

It was one of the busiest day. We had 9 new patients came in. Mostly with chronic kidneys and heart failures. Hmm…

I started to be fond of the working situation in Bangil. The nurses are the nicest most polite nurses I've ever met, two thumbs up! As intern, I was treated so kindly, better than how the residents here (in our teaching hospital) got treated. Every treatment outside working hour was totally on our responsibility, even for a simple fever, the nurses would consult us. They may not be as effective and intelligent as the nurses here, but they are efficient and I am very happy to be apart of the team.

The patients and their family are the friendliest too (thought I got lost in translation often). There were patients who are remarkably pleased just to see us walking in the ward. Some patients just want to be observed often, some patients who complain of dyspnea, back to breathing normally when I just put on my stethoscope and say everything is fine. They are much of psychological pain indeed. They need the touch of a person in white coat I reckon…

One of the devastation of working there is merely from the emergency department. They sent in patients with funny diagnoses and most of the time their ridiculous diagnoses don't match with the physical examination neither correspond to the lab findings. Ngak nyambung banget!! Sebel!

Seventh day in Bangil – The paranoia of hearing the phone ring is about to over. I survived 7 days of being traumatized everytime I hear my phone rings as I was on a total-on-call for 24 hours for the 7 days. The second last call was at 3 in the morning. Patient complained of dyspnea and fever. Nothing much we could do to help, but to wait for her blood transfusion. The very last call was at 5:30am, the same patient died.

So this is what you get when you call up a doctor at 3a.m - badan tembam, muka sembam, baju tidur busuk dan berslipper jepun.

I wished I could stay longer. I like the working environment, and it was stressful to think that I had to go back working in Malang. No offence, but comparing working in a reference center and a district hospital, I prefer to be in the district. Despite of the lack of facilities, the teamwork is fairer and the affection is stronger. Unlike in here, although there are a lot of medical staffs, everyone seem to depend on everyone else, responsibilities are passed from hand to hand and it makes the tense more to a nerve-racking. I am looking forward to next 2 years where I'll be sent to puskesmas (public health center at the rurals), I bet it'll be better!p.s: I'd like to wish my cousin Yazmin Yusoff congratulations on your marriage! So sad I couldn't be around. Sob.. sob…

Bangil in 7 days (Part I)

I was distraught when I first arrived in RSUD Bangil (Rumah Sakit Umum Daerah). It looks rather like the haunted abandon hospital in typical horror movies. Ah, right! They've shifted to a new hospital, phew~

About 500 meters away is the new RSUD. Wow! Besarnya! Well, not that very big though, but for a general hospital in Indonesia, it is considered as big. I can say that it's about the size of Pantai Hospital in Ampang. In spite of the size, the hospital was pretty calm, unlike our teaching hospital back in Malang – chaos! maybe it was Sundayy… We (me and my partner, Roula) was brought up to our room which is on the first floor just above the ward we're in charged to. We stayed in a modified 1^st class patients' room into intern students' room with air condition, tv and a double decker (which then both mattress were laid down on the floor before the tv).

First day in Bangil – nothing much about the work. We went around the hospital but got quite lost inside, so we got out of the building, walked from the outside and find our way back where it then rained. I was flattered that we were provided with meals three times a day. A complete healthy meal in mangkuk tingkat, but one thing I've learned is that Malang's tempe is the best!

One new patient, and one death case.

Second day in Bangil – it was Monday. We started our day with ground ward round with the resident, which was Dr. A, a petite woman, quick and savvy! Went around 8 wards, covered about 40 patients, in about 1 hour – crazy? Exhausted!

Then we were called for a consultation at the Obgyn department. I had to go alone. So I drag along the ECG machine (on a trolley) all the way up to the obgyn ward. Damn, why don't they have elevator? The infrastructure of the hospital is considerably funny, I am not going to elaborate more on it.

The slightest amenities yet has made me learn better in observing patients. For instance, they don't have the facilities to check the serum electrolyte in blood, therefore one of the ways to identify patients with hyperkalemia is by observing their breath and confirmed with a sign of Kussmaul. Therefore with the slightest indication, KSR and Kayexalate are the two safest therapy we could give (the correction of potassium is supposed with Calcium gluconas + D40% + insulin). Meanwhile to counterpart an unconfirmed hypokalemia state, we only suggest the patient to consume bananas and tomatoes.

However I'm glad I went through it, the challenge of working in a place where facilities are at the least you can get. Like… dragging the ECG machine is something I know I won't have to do later back in Malaysia, it may be one of the funniest memory.

So, that day, I had 6 new patients and no death case!

Third day in Bangil – That morning, we put on our guiltiest-most-pitiful faces while walking into the office. The nurses gave us their thwarted faces instead. We were sorry that we didn't hear the phone ring, we got 4 missed calls, and sorry we didn't hear them knocking on our door when they were to informed us that there were 2 new patients came in (that was around 12am). Thank God they were all fine…

That day, we had Nasi Punel for lunch. It was Bangil's specialty and was recommended by our seniors who were there previously. I must say that… tak sedap pon!

Fourth day in Bangil – I met with countless patients with several of complains and still so hilarious. Since majority (almost all) my patients there at the 3^rd class are all came from the rural area. They hardly speak Bhs Indonesia, they speak Jowo instead. Somehow I did comprehend with some of their sentences but I always have Roula with me (my partner, my translator).

Came a patient with a history of Diabetes, and I asked for how long has she been suffering from it. The answer was very subjective…

"Lupa tahunne piro, pas arekne eki sak umure telo"

(forgot exactly what year (she was diagnosed with Diabetes), but it was since her daughter was three)

And the daughter is now 15 years old.

So then you see the importance of having a lot of kids. You may not remember the year, but as mothers, you'll have the vivid memory of how old your child was back in the days. That is how you keep track of your life… your children – the memory of bringing them up!

Outstation

If my backside is north, than my chair is south. They're like magnetic poles sticking to each other. Once I sit here, facing my laptop, nothing but strength of will power can take me off here. Concerning that I got too over it and I had tones of tasks to be done, therefore I made a challenge to myself – a challenge of me competing myself with a price of success and better disciplinary.

Before I could get my ass of my chair, I challenged myself to be done with all the tasks by 8:30pm (45 minutes)

On my mark… get set… GO!

I ran to the bath and wuduk, then solat, then gather all my stuff to be packed, make a list of what to bring, packing, packing, packing, clean up my room, change to Pjs and tarrraaa there I'm done! (if I could record myself on a video, I might look like someone who is on a game show competing against time, tapi compete sorang2! Must be funny!)

Time off – 8:45pm.

Although I am 15 minutes exceeding my own time goal, but I'm glad I successfully packed my stuff!
So, I packed my bags…
I am going off on a duty outstation for a week. Whoa, I like how this sounds – sounds so work-ish-ly, so grown-up thing, so matured, so serious!

Precisely, tomorrow at 7:30am I am going off to this so place named Bangil. A two-hour drive from Malang. I have not much anticipation on how the place is going to be, but from the story told by seniors, Bangil is going to be just fine. Nothing much of entertainment to expect since it has less to offer than what is here in Malang. Nevertheless, I am optimistic about the experience I'll gain working over there in the public health center.

There, will be me and another one girl as the Dokter Muda and with one residence. We'll be fully in charge of the medical department for the whole week. Yes, just the three of us.

While packing my bags, I was pessimist about packing my baju tidur… hahaha! Okay, tried not to be cynical (I'll sure have more time to sleep), I've put in Zhaf's tshirt, just in case.

I pray that everything will be just fine, come what may~

So, see you again next Sunday (or Monday perhaps).

Death declaration

Pathetically my first death declaration was a drama I fortuitously stuck in between…

A patient died on a frenzied resuscitation by the nurses and declared to deceased by my senior, no family member was around (since it was in the HND unit). A second later, the family was called in (without knowing that the patient has already died). By the moment when the daughter (of the dead patient) came in, the nurses started to resuscitate the 'patient' all over again.

Stuck in between the scene, I was confused, kenapa nak resuscitate lagi? Bukan tadi dah cakap mati ke? What's going on??

On the other scene, the daughter was howling in despair by the 'dead' mother, hoping that the mother could make it.

Frenetically, one of the nurses (the chief I guess) pulled me to come over the patient and with an uptight voice she said

"Ayo dokter, sini check pasiennya!"

Again, I was confused! Why should I check up on a dead person for? Ah, whatever~ so I checked her up. So carotid pulse not detectable, so did the radial pulse, no heart beat was heard, both pupils were dilated to the maximal and I thought to myself hmm… right, memang dah mati pun

"jadi gi mana dokter??!!" the nurse asked. Betul la dia dah mati, dah tau lagi nak tanya…

The daughter looked at me hoping that I would tell her something better than death.

With a total confusion and thoroughly out of conscious, I looked at the nurse and said

"Sudah ga ada"

Oh sh**! Now I remember, I should have had told the family member first, not the nurse, and I should put on my empathy face while saying it, and I should make a better phrase to break it! Damn failed! So wrong! In a nick of time, I got back to reality and realized that it was my call to announce it. I looked at the daughter's face and said… Well I don't remember how I exactly put it into words, but as soon as I told her, she fainted!

OMG!

So then I understand of what the drama was all about. If the drama was not apprehended before the eye of the daughter, she would have fainted earlier and would get disappointed for not be there by the mother's side on her last breath. Although we all knew that the she did not, at least she didn't.

Early declaration

2:00 am (approximately 12 hours after my first death declaration) – I was sitting alone at my table. The ward was soundless, everyone was sleeping or trying to get some sleep, so did the nurses. While me, I was all awake (in case of some nocturnal complains) reading/learning on patients' record, when suddenly a man came to me and said

"dokter, ibu saya sudah meninggal"

WOOT?!

I suddenly felt ticklish, I thought it was a joke and rather funny. Because… because I never thought of someone else who could declare a death but doctors. And it was funnier because… because it was the family member who declared it to a doctor! Reverse!

I ran to the bed, and check up on the 'dead' patient. Vital signs were wholly undetectable.

Eh, betul lah, dah mati! Pandai jugak bapak ni check!

"Maaf pak, ibunya sudah ga ada"

The person looked completely calm. Oh yea, he knew!

p.s: Lemon man passed away on Tuesday

The Lemon Man and his useless daughters

I was somewhat angry yesterday morning at this person and about to tell the husband that his wife is awfully useless!

"kok begok banget isterimu pak?!!" (cakap dalam hati la tapi!)

So the story begins…

That night was rather a robust, the most hectic on-call I've ever been so far…

Approximately 11 a.m, a 64 year old man was sent from the A&E into ward 27. He was the 5^th new patient admitted into my ward within the first 7 hours.

Digi man! A skinny version!

OMG, he is so yellow! Rather look like a lemon but with a uremic breath odor. Jaundice…

Therefore, my first task (as usual) was to interview him or his family besides checking on his vital signs and physical examinations. The man himself speaks better Bahasa Indonesia rather than his two daughters (useless!!). Those ladies (the patient's daughters) somehow got on my nerve! They looked at me as if I was speaking of alien's language and was hypnotizing them, they didn't answer to any of my questions but to nod. Whatta??!

After clerking on 4 patients, non-stop entertaining 38 patients in the ward, observing on a dying man, running here and there and everywhere and haven't eaten since lunch, they seems to handed me the license to spank – I felt like slapping and smacking down those two girls for not helping me (or rather their ill father) at all, but to give me the ridiculous retarded faces!

Fast forward to the next morning, the patient got critically yellow-er with the Hb (hemoglobin) count was too low that he needed blood transfusion immediately.

Once again, I have to put on my alien mask and talked to the women explaining the condition of their father and the planning therapy. Again, they gave me the cold stone that the other sensible strangers around them (who were eavesdropping) had to explain to them (in bahasa jawa) of what I actually meant about their dad. And guess what? They still couldn't get the gist and asked me to wait for one of their husbands to come and re-explain it to him.

WAIT?

Due to the well-known long and ridiculous procedures and beaurocracy of the hospital (or the government – Indo nesia gitu loh~) for making it such a troublesome for the poor-citizens to deal with in order to get free treatment. As consequences, the patient's family then had to go through a long administration procedure in order to get a few packs of blood for him.

Considering that the poor yellow man had only one son-in-law to count on, I helped him prepare some of the documents needed for the administration and divide the job accordingly to the other two useless women too. So I sent the man for the toughest procedure to deal with at the blood bank, while the other two women to get some papers photostated and to claim some drugs at the pharmacy.

"Pak, bawa surat2 ini ke PMI buat ngambil darahnya",

He nodded comprehend to my command, while clutching a stalk of papers on his both hands, with another list of procedures for him to settle there at the blood bank itself.

"Ibu ke apotek, kasi resep ini buat ngambil obat",

She seemed very blurry, didn't know what to do.

Aargh!! Please deh! Tu pon tak faham ke??!

Pak, whats wrong with your wife??! How can you married to this kind of retard??!! Bukannya cantik sangat pon! Simple order macam tu pun tak faham ke?! It's the matter of life and death of her father we're discussing about here and she can still manage to be so blurry??! Sepak kang!

Therefore, the husband took all the task to settled everything, from the blood bank to the pharmacy and to the photostat shop. Thus the patient would have had to wait longer to be treated.

I plak yang jadi emo and stress…

So, the conclusion here, men listen up, don't marry stupid women!

And women, listen up, be independence and go to school!

Stickwitu

I'm dedicating this song to you for the I-can't-remember-how-many times since I first heard it 4 years back… just because I need to remind myself of you and for you to know.

To be with you is the righteous decision I've made under my utter most genuine sentiment.

And to love you is an unadulterated affection I've ever given to anyone, but you.

Thank you especially for your trust and understanding and for being the most supportive. What more can I say?

To Zhafri, Imma stickwitu!

I don't wanna go another day,
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind.
Seems like everybody's breaking up
Throwing their love away,
But I know I got a good thing right here
That's why I say…

Nobody gonna love me better
I must stick with you forever.
Nobody gonna take me higher
I must stick with you.
You know how to appreciate me
I must stick with you, my baby.
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I must stick with you.

I don't wanna go another day
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind.
See the way we ride in our private lives,
Ain't nobody getting in between.
I want you to know that you're the only one for me
And I say

And now
Ain't nothing else I can need
And now
I'm singing 'cause you're so, so into me.
I got you,
We'll be making love endlessly.
I'm with you
Baby, you're with me

So don't you worry about
People hanging around,
They ain't bringing us down.
I know you and you know me
And that's all that counts.

<3

Careful of what you wished for

Last night was among the hectic nights on-call as I was in charge for two wards at a time – Ward 29 and HND unit.

During the Midday Report, no patient from the HND was seriously handed off to me. However, just before the meeting ended, there was a call to inform that two new patients had just been admitted. Oh God, what a hectic start! So I rushed there with the residence to clerk on the patients, which whom had a profuse hematemesis melena a.k.a vomiting of blood and bloody stool, while the other patient was handed to a different doctor.

From the HND, I rushed to ward 29, in which I had to tapper-down the infuse drip and also to observe the patient who was suffering numbers of complications of HIV AIDS. He whom I had to observe every 15 minutes, while I had the bloody patient in HND to report on and 2 patients to ECG. I always thought that I am the kind of organized person, but in yesterday's case, I was confused. Which one first?

Rushing here and there until I realized there was only about 20 minutes left til Maghrib ended. Took off my coat and straight away to the tiny cubicle behind the HND to pray. For once, I felt relief. I prayed to Allah if He could make my work a little bit lighter for the night. Just few seconds after that, I heard cries and howls outside the room. I guessed so, must be one of the patients died.

Actually, one of the two new patients died. In another word, I only left with only one patient to highly observed on. Alhamdulillah, ringan sikit kerja!

Don't get me wrong, I felt sorry for the loss of the other patient, but I believe that it was just her time to go because I'm sure the residence doctor already tried her best to help.

If that was the way Allah answered to my prayer, I must say "Hmm.. that was fast!"

Nabilah

One of the nights during my on-call, I was monitoring on a severely ill old woman, with her family all around surrounding the bed. This was the patient I blogged about, the screechy old woman who screeched every half a minute, however she was already on coma that night (thus, the ward was calmer and the other 37 patients no longer had to suffer from a deafening nights).

As I was probing on her pulse, I realized that two of her daughters who were sitting opposite of me are whispering to each other probably gossiping about me in Jawa language (as if I don't understand…) and probably trying to read my nametag. Then one of them said,

"Dokter Nabilah"

"Ngih?" I replied 'yes' in Jawa.

Both of them laughed, surprised that I could too speak in Jawa perhaps.

"Nanti anak saya ta namain 'Nabilah' juga" (Later I'll name my daughter by the name Nabilah)

"Oh ya? Kenapa?"

"Biar nanti dia bisa jadi dokter juga"

Well, I don't think I have met any doctors by the same name as mine…

"Nama apa-apa juga bisa jadi dokter kok bu…" as I was ensuring her that doctors aren't made by their names.

Then, she replied,

"Maksud saya, biar dia bisa jadi dokter cantik seperti dokter Nabilah"

*smile*

Hold on, did I just heard she said 'cantik'???! Only God knows how kembang I was that time!

So, that was part of the story…

Later that night at around 1:50am while I was reading on my table, one the sons came complained that their mother was panting. The nurses helped me got the resuscitation equipments and I called up the residence. After few minutes of chest compression and ventilation, the mother was gone. Al-Fatihah~

Iota #20 – Time

I finally have time to…

Changed my bedsheet after a month

Replace a new toothbrush after 2 months

Swept the floor after a week

Arranged the clothes into my wardrobe after 2 weeks the laundry-man delivered

Tied up the trash bag after I-can't-remember-how-many weeks

Refill the dehumidifier beads after 2 months

Refill the cereal in the jar

Go for groceries shopping to stocked up cartons of fresh milk for breakfast

Phew~

I thank God so much that I still have time for showers at least twice a day, shampoo at least once in two days and do everything that human does for living.

Sometimes in the morning I wake up, it reminds me of my sweet old days during school. I don't mind waking up in the morning, but how I wish I were home. When I got all ready to school, Kak Ati would have the breakfast prepared on the table, then I would take my own sweet time eating breakfast. However now, things are not the same anymore.

Now, I woke up by the alarm clock. There is not much time for me to get ready for work because the time for my self-preparation is now divided into two, which one is for preparing breakfast. Therefore, despite of how important breakfast is for me, the most I can prepare are hot milo and toasted bread. Or else, I would only get a bowl of cereal in lotsa milk.

I'm thinking, by the time I start working, half of my first salary I would save to hire a maid to help me manage my daily activities (more like a PA perhaps, hehe) and I would also invest big money on a very good coffee maker machine. I'm starting to love coffee.

Coffee smells the best in the morning after you get out of the shower.

p.s : going off to Surabaya tomorrow! Edward I'm coming…~

Chewing on time

Can't believe that I just went through a crazy 60-hour life at the hospital (merely home for showers)!!!

Overall, it was a good one. Maybe I wouldn't mind repeating it! It had only been for 2 nights since I last laid myself onto my missed-most bed, but it feels like forever!

To answer to most frequent asked question – yes, I did have some sleep, there in one of the rooms that is especially allocated for the interns. Besides, I had a few power naps too whenever I feel like it.

Makan?!

The 60-hour has awaken the ugly hungry beast inside of me and for a moment, I forgot about what its called 'fat'. I eat and snacks whenever I had the time to. The nurses always have a feast of foods on the table for everyone, from kerepek, biscuits, cakes to even fritters.

Not to mention, Dr.Fren has always got something for me whenever she sees me on-call. On Wednesday evening, she brought me es degan and buah salak when I came to meet her at the residences' hall. Initially, I had a homework to be done, so she supposedly find me some books to read. Besides, she just got a DSLR camera and got excited about exploring her new toy. Ended up, we both put the DSLR on the tripod and start to pose on crazy pictures together (yeah in the residences' hall).

Yesterday, under the hot scorching sun, she called me up to hang up in her fully air-conditioned car (there is not aircond in the hospital). It was a quick short break, but was really a relief to finally get to sit on a proper cushioned seat in an air-conditioned space. Then she took out a box of cute cakes, cupcakes, éclairs and swiss rolls she just bought from The Sisters. Whoa makan makan makan before we both went off for duty.

Oh yea, of course we had some chat which was mainly about my exhausting hours and condemned morning report with Dr.H that morning. I'm glad that as a junior intern in the department, I have her as a senior specialist residence (which is more as a friend) to guide me around.

That evening, when only on-callers was left behind to the wards, Zana sms-ed. She asked if I am going back for dinner, since my housemates were cooking. They made tomyam and kuih keria! Then I rushed home for dinner. Yummmmmy~

This evening, after my 60-hour, we went to Confetti for ice creams and dinner! BuRrrrp*

Ngantuk! To be continued…

Issues

Since I don't have much time to write a proper post, I guess this video says apart of me.

The Saturdays I love~

I'll be in the hospital for approximately 60 hours starting tomorrow (til Friday). So catch you back on this Saturday!

Mom’s Birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA!!!

Mom just called. Wait, let me rephrase that – I called mama, and then she called me back. Everyone was there, they just came back from Mama's birthday dinner at Italiannies. Yeah, without me. So what?! *numb*

Who doesn't miss their family when they are living distance apart? – I do.

I realized that my numbness is getting worse as time goes by. I am gradually turning into an android that my heart is as cold as rock. Maybe I am confused, but not sure of what. Maybe I know, but yeah confused still – and I am not looking to detangle this perplexity. Let me be…

Ward 28

This morning around 2:40am, my patient died. She was the reason I stayed awake last night since I had to observe her on every 15 minutes. I didn't quite know her since I took over the ward only for my night shift (how was I expected to study all 36 patients' problems in the ward in one night?).

On my very last observation, her blood pressure dropped to palpatoir til it was totally null. I looked for her respiration and to my surprised that she wasn't in breathing difficulty anymore – I was relief for a nick second before I realized that her respiration rate was only one! Perhaps that was her last breathe!

To cut the story short, I was there when the specialist came to break the bad news to the husband. Then was when I confirmed that she has died. And me, I forgot how I actually felt on that time.

I continue observing other patients with a little fear that the paranoid husband would come and whack me up (since I was the only doctor who was in charge for the ward). He actually did not. However, around 6am after I woke up from my power nap, he ran up to me and thanked me, I remember exactly what he said while his cold hand shook mine. I felt sorry for him, but still I was in emotional disorientation.

*slap me someone please!*

I didn't sleep since 4:30am on Saturday til 10am today and amazingly I wasn't sleepy at all. Perhaps, I found my chi – there in the hospital. I enjoyed attending patients more than anything else and I could actually do that for more than 24 hours without a single whine nor complains, neither a yawn! Good job Bil!

There were just too many things to learn from the patients. They are more interesting than 4 years of lectures, they are perhaps the best teachers.

When I stepped into ward 28 at around 1:30pm yesterday, I prayed hard that everything would be smooth and easy for me. However, after a few steps inward, I heard a loud screechy sound. A post-dialysis old woman with a little mental distress screech of the rate of once every 30 second.

"Ya Allah, yo opo sek cobaan ne eki?!!"

(Ya Allah, how is this test/suffering?)

"Wes loro kabe!!"

(Pain all over)

And she repeated the same sentences over and over and over and over. Sometimes she even read Al-Fatihah in a loud screechy manner. And yeah, she was suppose to be beyond annoying, but I didn't feel anything. Now that I feel funny though~

Saved by their sweetness

After all, my 26 hours at the hospital was a good one. The environment of IPD department is not as bad as it sounds, be it the biggest and longest internship, I am all contented and every sweat is worth every experience and erudition. I am happy.

Supposedly, I promised Dr.Fren to go out lunch with her, however after 'checking-in' into Ward 28, the patients are just too clinch-y to let go of me. I was too busy that I even missed my Asar. However thanks a lot to Dr.Fren who successfully sneaked me out of the ward. She actually called into my ward from the PPDS room's phone and paging for 'koas IPD Ruang 28' (medical's intern) a.k.a ME. Then I had a reason to leave… I went into the PPDS room and found her on the table with a box of KFC!!! She actually called KFC for delivery service! Awww, so sweet doc, I am so flattered~

For my lunch, I was delivered a home-cooked nasi goreng by my housemate! When I was writing down bundles of discharge summary, Sit and Kim came to my ward handed my pink Tupperware filled with warm nasi goreng. Awww, you girls always rock my world! I sangat flattered~

THANK YOU EVERYONE!!! Especially to all the patients who have provided me with wider scope of experiences and knowledge, and to all the helpful and caring nurses, supervisors, friends and housemates!

Love

Happy Eid Adha

Happy Eid Al-Adha

Good morning sunny sunshine!~ - at last I was greeted by the glaring ray of sun when I open my eyes.

"Ouh, it's only 6:56am, not even 7 yet. Tidur balik! Tidur balik!"

Just before I could get back into my REM sleep, the phone rang. Zhaf called! How I miss to get his calls when I got up… he just got back from the masjid and about to get back there for the slaughtering process a.k.a korban. Aww… he likes to do the korban ever since I knew him! Ganas + berhati mulianya la bf I ni…

I am happy today. Just because it's a holiday. I love waking up in the morning having nothing to do. For the first time in this week, I got to make up my bed and sweep the floor. Ah, lega~

I'm full now, after gobbling lotsa muttons-on-skew a.k.a sate kambing! yummy! I wish the dinner this evening can last for the whole day tomorrow throughout my 'jaga'. Well, yeah I got jaga a.k.a on-call a.k.a night shift tomorrow, yeah Saturday. Means I'll be in from 5:30am and out at around 7:00am the next morning. That's more than 24 hours of duty!!!

My first jaga shift

Last Wednesday night was my first jaga shift. I am proud to say that it was so good, much better than expected. Maybe I was just lucky that night. Alhamdulillah… amongst the nights of my Ko-as (Dokter Muda) life, that was the night where I slept at the earliest hour. At almost 5 pm I checked-in into ward 27 where 36 out of 40 beds were occupied. Two of which were to be observed.

To cut out the craps, I did get enough sleep. My first On-call was an ease, at least not as bad as been described by the seniors. However I am still anticipating myself physically and mentally for the worse that could ever happen.

Tomorrow is my next jaga. Will be a 19-hour shift, plus the normal Saturday working hour 5:30 am til 12 pm, total is approximately 26 hours.

SEMANGAT!!!!

Dr. Housewife

This morning I woke up with a little bizarre thought in mind. In the shuddering time of almost 5a.m, I got myself in the coldest morning I've ever been into since I can't remember. I stepped into the shower, and my whole body starts to shiver. First thing that came across my mind was… 'I'd rather become a housewife!!!!'.

Astaghfirullahalazim!

Where exactly did I get the idea of becoming a housewife for life?!

Just because housewives don't have 'the office hour' that need them to wake up very early in the morning and got into the shower. Just because housewives won't get fired. Housewives don't have groundward rounds, they don't have to go for patients' follow up, no morning reports, neither do they need to be on-calls. That was when I wished I won't have to continue torturing myself to wake up from my sweet slumber very early in the morning thus whacked up in the icy bath.

Just in time after having the bizarre thought, it suddenly came crossing my mind on how mama does this every morning for the past few decades of her life? Despite of the hot shower back at home, the 'waking up in the dawn' is the worst of all. Thinking of the hardships and determination of my parents in bringing us a living, an abrupt strength empowered me to go on!

Honestly, I was quite excited yesterday about starting my first day of Dokter Muda today. I have graduated my medical degree, I have gone through Panum, I have passed the OSCE, and the next two years of Dokter Muda is just another step closer to my dream.

Come on Bil! Semangat!!! Don't let the freezing morning shower washed your dream off!

p.s : First day in medical department went well. I am going to make myself love to enjoy this for living! Amin!

p.s.s : I think I'm suffering from the morning sickness! lol! related entry : Life Description

The WOW! factor

'Tebar pesona' – word of the day. I lyoke~

As usual, I had my girls' night out over a coffee session after the acupuncture therapy. And as usual, we had girls talk. Not exactly gossiping, but more to sharing. Perhaps, that was my last coffee session before starting Co-ass (a.k.a Dokter Muda) this Monday.

We went to 'The Ego' this evening for a heavy supper. The cheeseburger was okay, the patty was good enough though it is not as good as those in Tony Roma's or Planet Hollywood's, but I did enjoy it in some way. Wait, the best cheeseburger is still those in Chilli's. It was the opening day of the café, so it was quite teeming. The ambiance is all right, despite of the good band, the sound system was too loud.

Okay, back to the 'Word of the day', by some means it did comfort me. Bahasa Indonesia has several words/adjectives that come with respectable meaning. I just couldn't find a perfect word to describe that particular matter, then was when my Indonesian friend came out with the word 'tebar persona'. It suits what I mean just well! Exactly! Perfecto!

So, what does it mean?

Notice : I am trying not to point this subject to a certain someone, nobody should be concern about, examples are not related to any particular person. (however for example I am going to point this to the males, since I view this from a girl's perception).

Looking at the implication of the word, for me it describes a person who is full of wows. I mean, WOW!

Have you ever met someone whom you think has the 'everything'? The charm, the talent, the caliber, the quality, the ability, the look, well, in short, the-wow-factor?! That everything he does is so Wow-fully and jaw dropping.

Everywhere he goes, you notice your own imaginary red carpet below his shiny shoes, and the spotlights trail on him. You see his simple shirt as shining armor, you imagine him on an ashen white horse. Your head turns 360 degree when he makes a circle around you, you stop breathing while your heart pumps vigorously and your melting point drop below the optimal number when he spurts his sweltering smile towards you (although he is not smiling directly at you). You are turning yourself into a paparazzi in your own made-up fantasy world of rainbows, sparkles and glittery heart-shaped confetti.

Until the point that his incredibility is just too exhausting for you to handle, sometimes you wish that these kind of person never exist – simply because you barely could not handle the wows anymore… That the further you get to know him, you feel so exhausted, so tired of being mesmerized. And the closer you get to him, you feel the heat is getting warmer that you might just got all burned up.

Nevertheless, you merely get enough of the burning sensation, you simply loved to be sunk into your own temptation of his irresistibility.

Then you get the grasp and start to realize that you are not the only one who feels the same way. Perhaps, everyone around him could easily be spellbound by his charm. Everyone is enthralled just by looking at him, the girls got awestruck by his stare, his speech rapped the crowd, his smile fascinates the people, and his ideas gripped the medias.

He might not mean to be alluring, but it's just you (and the others) who got over groovy over him. Everywhere he goes, he spreads his charm and he is all sprayed up with love potions. You sniff, you got into his spell. Next, you'll be around in your own world mengelamun yang ga jelas. Everywhere he goes, he tebar pesona…

His 'perfection' albeit a nightmare for all the boyfriends out there and his girlfriend just can't seat still – oh isn't he is yet dangerous? Is this supposed to be a glory or jinx? Is this even his fault??!!

Consequently, you should be aware of your condition and the danger you put yourself into. Knowing that nobody is perfect, anyone whom for you is perfect may come with the perfect flaws too. Be moderate. You yourself is perfect in your own way, shall you need anyone to complete you?

Hari ini hujan

Dengan rasminya, saya Bil Hanson ingin mengumumkan bahawa musim hujan di Malang sudah tiba!

Welcome! Welcome!

Saya menyambut hari hujan dengan membiarkan diri dihujani. Nikmatnya mandi air hujan! I love~

Tapi kesian Kim, rumahnya pula dibanjiri air hujan sampai tinggi betis. Penat juga menolong dia menyodok air keluar, tapi saya tetap happy! Kerana dapat juga exercise sambil beramal di petang Jumaat yang mulia.

Tapi tadi, ada seorang makcik sial ni suka lalu lalang depan rumah Kim, sambil senyum2. Mungkin dia kagum, atau mungkin dia jakun tak pernah tengok rumah orang masuk air. Sempat juga saya tengok muka dia, dengan wajah sinis yang ala-ala Mean Girl, sambil berkata

"why are you smiling? what are you looking at? you a$$ hole?!".

Dengan yakin, saya tahu mak cik tu tak faham. Walaupun dia faham, dia wajar mendapatkan kata-kata dasyat yang buat julung-julung kalinya dapat saya ungkapkan. Congratulations mak cik!

Points of trivial

Point #1

Well, I had roti parata for dinner. Okay, habitually I don't call it roti parata, I often use the name 'roti canai'. But, who cares? Even if the original Indian has to sue me for mistaking (or not knowing how to distinguish) between roti canai and roti parata, IDC! (which stands for I Don't Care). I fried one piece and eat it with sugar. Siapa makan roti canai dengan gula??

ME *sambil angkat tangan*

Point #2

This evening, I went for groceries shopping at Hypermart with my housemates (plus Kak Nad). I looked at the receipt it says "Total : 447 430", then with some bigger font is written "Anda Hemat 15 255". Whatta?

Point #3

Last evening, I wore stripes to the acupuncture. I learned (from Kemahiran Hidup class in form 3) that horizontal stripes make your appearance weightier than usual. I succumbed. I am fat, even if I don't have a strand of thread on me, I am still weightier. Then we had coffee at the Java Dancer. Well, for that moment, aside from my love for coffee, IDC Malang doesn't have a Starbucks. Simply because I enjoyed the Irish Crème Frap! Just like how I love those in Swenson's.

Point #4

My teatime this evening was not about tea, but Strawberry frizz. You know why? Because last night at Java Dancer, I was kinda drooled over Kak Nad's strawberry juice, but I was too full to ordered one. Finally, I had one this evening at Bali Café.

Point #5

For the 8^th time this week, I had cekodok pisang. I love bananas and everything about it! Even for the 80^th time of cekodok pisang in a week, I would still going to enjoy every bite.

Point #6

Shall I be one who prescribes drugs? I am bad with pharmacology. Blame me for over dosage! For OSCE yesterday, I put 900mg of erythromycin and 900mg of paracetamol into pulvers for a 5 year old boy. So today, I had to go to the pharmacology lab and re-write that prescription, with 300mg of both subsequently.

Point #7

I have 3 days left to enjoy life. And for the following two years, I will only be seeing around Rumah Sakit Dr. Saiful Anwar, Malang. I will only be seeing around in white coats and grumpy face. I bet my bed is going to miss me badly. Sorry bed…

Point #8

I miss my family.

Point #9

The side ad on my FB says "Mau Punya Payudara Gede?". I must say that "Sorry, wrong target!". OMG, I can't imagine how ridiculous I'd look like with bigger than gigantic breasts than what I am carrying now.

Point #10

Closet make over – white coats. Upgrading status, downgrading style.

Point #11

Can I become a doctor who doesn't have to work in the hospital/clinic all the time, who is free to dress up and walk in heels? I want to be a doctor who travels around the world. I don't mind of not getting paid, as long as I get to do things I love.

Point #12

FYI, I am not ignoring you, but I am ignoring my feelings towards you.

Iota #19 - My guilt

Something happened today after the OSCE. I am not going to elaborate much on that.

My conclusion is, she doesn't really belong to this century where youngsters do not have the mannered of perfect courteous towards the elderly (like how she expected us to be, anymore).

Above it all, I admit that I am wrong, if she'd like to say that I was. I felt guilty, and yes, I did ooze some tears that was pooling around my eyes however failed to roll down my cheek. Happy now??

On my doorstep this morning

I refused to wake up this morning. I am supposed to be on daybreak for the OSCE tomorrow, hitherto not finishing a single module. Super-malas!

As I on my laptop while having my high-carb breakfast of one fat piece of chocolate cake and strawberry milk, I stumbled upon my old blog entrée – What Indonesia means to me (Part I). I wonder when the Part II will put my fingers dancing through it.

One of my favorite lines in that post which I am still strongly agree is "Where I wake up every morning and have pressures delivered right on my doorstep."

This explains why I didn't want to wake up. Well, I have an extended list of what-to-dos for today besides studying for OSCE. First, I ought to go to the immigration office to extend my length of stay under my 'Sosbud' visa until I managed to get my KITTAS. It's a long story… it's a long procedure and it's a bad headache, and not to mention a bad expense too.

Another important thing is to get my contact lenses done. At least I have to go to the optician and check my eyes. My vision is getting a little bit worse. Also to get a new pair of shoes for the Annual Grand Dinner, in which I think is necessary because all the heels I have on the rack had at least been worn twice.

There will be a PKPMI (Malaysian student society) meeting this evening, wherein I as one of the High Committee has never been to any of the board meeting before. Not my fault though, I was just never got invited. Being the chairperson of the society is one of the functionless posts I have ever been onto. I've been on the board of the PKPMI ever since I first came, and being the chairperson is just the funniest thing I've done. Therefore, I ought to get to the meeting this evening and see what is there for me to help in this coming AGM (this Sunday).

Oh wait, now I remember! I haven't done auditing the account for our UMNO yet! It's been a week since that Sports carnival! DAMN!

Anyway, kak Nad is coming over this evening. We shall study for OSCE together!

Going off to the immigration now, toodles~

Let this week ends!

Last Saturday where it all started… The UMNO committee wrapped up our mat and roll down our sleeves. For me, the dinner that evening was almost nothing except for my fashion show which I rather say was a 'relief'. The sports carnival and the weeks of planning were enough to rush out my adrenaline, that left me numb on the evening itself.

Then, I had a great night that stretched down til dawn. Actually, I am not sure still of a perfect word to describe it, but I'll still stick to the word 'great' as there is nothing to regret.

It was a vast of a new experience – the experience in which I am still extracting its benefits. For whatever I did or whatever I attempted to do, I try not to regret but to learn from it instead. The experience has made me stumble upon discovering what is there beneath my heart desire. I learn that there is always something more than everything. But to hound on and insisting of having everything is nothing really compared to keeping something. I cannot just rush about everything I wished for, but for that something I have, I must treasure. For that someone, I know you have to keep your something too…

Despite of the perplexity suspicion, I am more than pleased to welcome you to join my so-called journey. I treasure every moment, every conversation and every thought we share. You are my merriment, intelligent and not to mention, drop dead gorgeous. Your arms are warm, your eyes, so vampire-ish, I have to be immortal to be stared, or I'd melt to death. But you know, human and vampire are just not meant for each other… *sigh*

I am ending this week with a sudden weekend gateway with my girlfriends. Off from Malang with Kak Nuzul, Kak Shida and Elena to meet another bunch of girls over there to chill with under the scorching hot weather of Surabaya. I swear, Surabaya is burning me up! It has made me come to counting my blessings to be 'dunked' in Malang where fans are enough to blow the heat away and have chill season sometimes. For this weekend, Surabaya is all-that-fun! At least, I got few pairs of new shoes, shirts and most importantly 2 shots of Starbucks.

Let this week ends. Make a rocket, disclosed the entire fret, launch it up into the outer space and let the aliens know.

Elena, Shida, Arina, Nuzul, Bil
Sutos, 13th Nov 09.

Iota #18 – random

(This post is meant to be not colorful as usual)

The laundress (but he's a man) just came to sent my laundry. Oh he actually has a girlfriend. Well, I reckon that was his girlfriend with him. Wah wah mas, bawa pacar ke merata buat temen ngantar londre ya? (ish, now I sound like makcik Joyah kecoh suka jaga tepi kain orang!)

Talking about laundry, I don't think I ever washed my own clothes while here in Indonesia (except for those personal garments of course). However last Sunday I did washed my saree, I was definitely out of my mind! But I was mesmerized to see how the saree got hung so long on the clothesline, somehow I was proud of myself to be able to hand wash that lengthy dress.

When it dried, I then took it off the line and started to iron it. Out of the 5 meters, I think I managed to ironed up to 70cm long!

Dah spray2, gosok2, pastu malas… and the saree was left there on the ironing board for 4 days, before I finally wrapped it up, and send it to the laundry to take care of it! Now that the laundry has to dry clean it and iron it! Hahaha! Serupa mcm tak payah basuh sendiri at the first place. Bazir air and detergen je! Tapi takpe… at least I tried!

Alrite now, it's been quite a few paragraphs of merepeks, while I actually have to help deliver a baby tomorrow, so I think I gotta start study for tomorrow's exam. Well, I think!

The Horse Eye Mask

Early this week, I had an eye-opening conversation with a friend who has gone through a love fiasco. I was never consent of what people has to say about exploring feelings, and experiencing the different sides of love. All I know, I am happy with him and everything about him. What I don't know, is something I would never know if I don't open up myself to explore what is there besides that everything.

She told me that it is not wrong to go for a 'test drive', but never to break the car. Just to get the different feelings of each car on which suits us best. We are often overlooked at this matter as we only thought that 'cars are for travelling purpose'. Cars can be more, it can be your home, your something to run with, your own comfort zone and your pride. Although all cars are drive-able to reach destination, but the experience and comfort are big parts of concern too, you wouldn't want to reach there with back pains and crampy legs right? Therefore it is important to get the 'best feeling' before purchasing – with warning 'not to break anything'. (note that 'cars' are just a metaphor)

I trust my heart ever since it was struck by the cupid's arrow. Nevertheless, little did I realize that cupids are plain blind flying naked babies in Roman mythology. Therefore, love is blind. Once in love, one intends to wear the horse eye mask. Only eye for what is in front of him/her and go straight to where love takes them. Love is in control.

For instance, if you are too in love with someone, you anticipate your boyfriend/girlfriend more than anything else in this world. You lost the sense of taste, you let them pick their flavor, and you're enjoying your new lifestyle being attached not because of you yourself is liking it, but your partner does. You are taking pleasure by pleasing others without identifying your own need. In the end of the day, you're the mule covered with the horse eye mask, being ridden by the weight of the person on your back, take them to their destination, while they are enjoying the scenery by the roadside, your eyes are stuck on concentrating the road.

As blind as love can be, heart is always there to help us see. I learn to have a heart-to-mind conversation within myself. I will never know how orange sherbet tastes like if I keep on ordering strawberry sherbet. Although I am comfortable with strawberry sherbet and it suits my taste, orange sherbet in the other hand might give me a different feeling, feeling of which I never thought I would enjoy.

So, why not try?

Just to explore a different side of myself is nothing to waste. If I do not like it, then I can always go back to my strawberry sherbet. At least, I've tried, and I know. I don't want to be hating something which I never know what it is, I don't want to be curious of how the other things feel like if I don't have the guts to try and I don't want to just stick to something I am comfortable with without giving chance to test my courage. Even if I don't delve into my so-called unrevealed feelings, at least I have to learn to accept things…

In spite of everything, nobody is perfect. We are made to fulfill in each others' missing halves. For that reason, don't waste too much time exploring. For those who are still having an empty cart, I have to tell you that surveying without purchasing is still nothing… just take off that horse eye mask, and start hunting!